i’m trying my hardest to do just that. i have a feeling, that this summer, is going to finally be considered for making the best decision of my life.

that.. actually means a lot to me, so thank you<3 and, i’m not exactly sure who you are, but.. i’m always here for anyone who needs me so feel free to call/text me if you ever need to talk to someone.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

My eyes shut tight,

I start to remember everything,

It all hits me at once,

My fist, closed against my head tugging at my hair,

Jaw clenching, I feel the anger flow once again.

My face is burning hot,

All the memories and things they’ve put me through,

My blood starts to boil, face red,

I can feel the anger start to spread.

My pulse is raging, feet picking up pace,

Looking toward the ground, confused,

Everything silent,

And I never thought I’d feel this again.

My mind is in a thousand directions, nowhere to go,

I find a spot on a curb, and I sit,

Comtemplating my next move.

My breathing becomes deep and heavy,

I try hard to catch my breath,

I stand up, stare and see only open road, I run,

I needed to get away, far away.

My eyes are open towards the stars,

Tears start to swell in the corners of both eyes,

I slow down and stop, fall to the ground on my knees,

I burry my head in my lap,

My fist clenches again.

My muscles start to twitch, and i’m shaking from anger,

Trying to figure out this feeling, why it’s come back,

What did I do to trigger it,

I can’t let it get this far, not this time.

And as I feel the anger,

Coursing through my body and boiling my blood,

I pick myself up off the ground, breathing starts to calm,

And in the back of my mind,

Your voice starts to settle in, I become scared, afraid,

Yet, somehow safe, and happy.

As I walk back, to the place that I find peace,

I listen to every word you say, trying to understand,

You told me it’s a beautiful place, where you are,

But, it’s not right just yet, not for me,

While i’m walking, your voice, with every word it becomes more clear.

And then you said, ‘I didn’t mean to leave, promise me you’ll take care of her for me.’

At that moment, I knew it was you, James.

I tried to hold back, but my scream broke silence,

She needs you more, she misses you.

Your birthday is drawing close, again,

And i’m sure this year will be like the last,

Consisting of us sitting on the edge of a lake,

Watching, listening and crying together.

Every time I’ve felt this anger, was it you calming my storm?I can’t question it, for fear that you may leave,

But one thing is for certain, and I’ll stay true to it,

I promise that I’ll take care of her, just for you.

The anger vanishes, and I come back in contact with reality,

Standing by that tree, blank and shocked,

That’s where I find myself,

Your voice has calmed my soul once again, yet I never knew it was you.

It makes me wonder, was it you the whole time?

The cold chills on hot days, the voice telling me to say no,

The reason I don’t feel so alone anymore, is it all you..?

There are two things I don’t understand though,

One, friends tell me to stop and say no, but those are just words to me,

But when that voice settles in my mind, I listen and understand.

Two, why not her instead of me, have you talked to her?Did she say anything in response, or, maybe she wasn’t listening..?

How did you know that I’d listen, and understand,

Maybe you just took a chance, thought I would listen?

And as much as I want to, I can’t bring you back,

Honestly, I’m afraid of this, of life, trusting, everything.

It just puzzles me, why am I not afraid of you,

Your words, your presence, your wisdom..

Some of this, just isn’t making any sense,

I have so many questions, and somehow, no time to spare,

Yet I steadily strive for answers, I feel like I’m to blame,

For my sisters broken heart.

I promised her you’d be okay, that you’d pull through and they’d find you,

But I was wrong, beyond wrong, and it kills me,

I’ve never seen her like that, in that kind of pain for any reason,

I just have to know, have you tried to talk to her?Why didn’t you tell me it was you this whole time?You’ve been helping me survive and pull through everything,

But still, how can I tell her it’s you, she wouldn’t believe it,

But, I’ll try my hardest to help her, and show her it’s true,

She never knew how I would get so angry, and suddenly snap back to myself,

And until today, I didn’t either, but you,

You’ve been my survival this whole time,

And for that, James, I thank you.

-AmberLynnRyan